Nights When I Am Sane

We buried him at high noon on a sweltering saturday in August 10 years ago. I had been sitting by myself out on the back deck at my sister's house. Waiting. Grieving. Trying to make some sanity out of the insanity.

Then they came to me and said, "You're the patriarch now. Will you say some words?"

For a long time only the tears came. Then...

There was a time when he was young
When the winds blew free and life was fun
He was mostly quiet as I recall
He feared he was short but, to me, he stood tall

The oldest one on a mission to please
The books, the sports... it all came with ease
He could tell ya 'bout numbers cause he was bright
And I'd seen him hit many a ball clean otta sight

We grew up together on a farm not far
Worked in the fields, played in the yard
He might whup yer butt in a corncob fight
But he was always there when things weren't right

Then one day he was gone
College, a wife, two daughters, three sons
The time flew by, the years marched on
What he loved most scattered hither and yon

His world had begun to fall apart in a pile
Took comfort in a bottle of gin for awhile
On what looses for one, another might win
Well, he was the former and the demons moved in

Only God knows what lurks in the hearts of men
When the winds stir cold, the clouds move in
When the pain in your heart is all you can see
And every part of your soul aches to be free

Now the winds blow cold for you and for me
But for our brother they finally blow free

Mickey Newbury's Nights When I Am Sane is one of my favorite cd's. I play it regularly. Its bittersweet because the title cut reminds me of what was probably going through my brother the night he did the deed. He just simply couldn't stand the pain anymore....

Well its cold on this mountain... when winter comes on
The dew in the meadow is sprinkled along
This road down to Nashville like crystal and stone
Its a place where a man sells his soul for a song

God knows I loved her too much I can see
Much more than she could have ever loved me
If I was the last man in east Tennessee...

Well at times I feel I need the rain at times I need the sun
Pleasure is a thread of pain when it is undone
My moments of insanity are never like a chain
I only know I am not free the nights when I am sane

So do not be concerned my love if you see me cry
For the laughter does not choose to free the happiness inside
Just as there may seem to be a smile that's out of place
It only means there is a pain that hurts too much to face

God knows I loved her too much I can see
Much more than she could have ever loved me
If I was the last man in east Tennessee...

I'm just one man sometimes I wish I was three
I could take a forty-four pistol to me
Put one in my brain for her memory
One more in my heart then I would be free
One more in my heart I would be free

R.I.P. my brother.